The Great Mouse Detective--Fear or Protection?

As I wrote on my regular blog, I saw a mouse this week in my living room. My first reaction? Panic. I have a ten-month-old baby who crawls to every corner of the house--what if he got into droppings and somehow got infected with whatever the mouse might be carrying? Where on earth would I put traps where he wouldn't find them?

My life instantly became overwhelmed by fear. I was scanning every room before entering, and never stopped checking every corner as often as I could. I was even more wary when I put Grant down to play. Worry consumed my every thought, even though we put out traps and cleaned up every crumb we could find. I knew there was nothing more we could really do to protect our son, so why was I so worried? Because there is a lot we can't control in life.

I've been thinking--do I wish I didn't know about the mouse? Like Jake told me, chances are that it's been in our living space for a while now, but since I didn't know about it I went about life normally. I wasn't riddled with fears every moment because I had no clue that there was anything to even be afraid of! Is that the better way? Ignorance? Of course not! The better way is to know that the mouse is there so that I can now actively fight it. I can't protect my baby from something I don't know exists, but now I can. I don't really like it, but I'd never pretend to think that ignorance would somehow be better than this. Grant still has no clue, and that's fine. I'll take care of the work and worry!

I've also been thinking--do I wish I didn't know about Satan or his horribly wicked, clever, scary tactics? I have to admit, sometimes watching the news is unnerving and makes me wish I could just live in a bubble. But would ignorance or pretending that he isn't real ever suffice? Of course not! So now I'm faced with the fear of raising a family in a degenerate and frightening world, and sometimes it feels like that fear might consume my life. But this is the better way! It is the only way, because now I can actively fight against him and prepare my children as well as I can. I can't protect my children from something I don't know exists, but now I can. I don't enjoy the fear or the reality of Satan, but knowledge of him is really a way Heavenly Father helps protect us against him.

Look at the rest of the world! So many people struggle and suffer and fall for his traps simply because they never knew.

Here are a few of Lehi's words to his son, Jacob, in 2 Nephi 2:

5 And men are instructed sufficiently that they ^aknow good from evil.
17 ...an ^aangel of God...had ^bfallen from heaven; wherefore, he became a ^cdevil, having sought that which was evil before God.
18 And because he had fallen from heaven, and had become miserable forever, he sought also the misery of all mankind.
26 And the ^aMessiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may ^bredeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are ^credeemed from the fall they have become ^dfree forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon...

27 Wherefore, men are ^afree according to the ^bflesh; and ^call things are ^dgiven them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to ^echoose ^fliberty and eternal ^glife, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be ^hmiserable like unto himself.

Because we have been instructed sufficiently and are given all things necessary to succeed, we are free! We will undoubtedly face fear, but we can fight that fear with our faith in Jesus Christ. Through Him and with Him we can never be forced to follow Satan or become miserable like he is. If we were to live under the false pretense that there is nothing wrong, we would be denying ourselves all of the protective abilities that come with knowledge. Knowledge truly is power. Through awareness and understanding of truth, and especially through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we have the power to act before the bad comes instead of just reacting to Satan as he throws things our way.

I guess I'll choose knowledge (that might cause me fear) over ignorance (that will surely cause unpreparedness), for in this is the protection that has the ability to save my family.

Computers, Donuts, and Defiance

I know you've all see it happen. Today it was sneaking up to the laptop that I unfortunately left on the couch, pounding on the keys with all his might, turning his head to look at me with his big brown eyes when I reminded him yet again that "no, babies don't play with Daddy's expensive computer." He kept those puppy dog eyes focused on me, and after a moment I saw his hand reach slowly back toward the keyboard. Another no, another pause, another attempt at hitting the keys--all while looking straight at me. Was it a look of, "I'll keep her distracted with my eyes while my hands play with the computer and she'll never notice," or was it a look of, "I don't need you telling me what to do all the time"? Maybe even just an, "Is she really going to take this away like she said she would?"

It is one thing to make a poor choice or do something wrong without really knowing what you've done. We've all had those times--where as soon as we've done it we know we were in the wrong. I'm not saying that we should ignore the seriousness of such occasions, but I think there's a far greater danger in knowing exactly what we are doing when we go against what we know is right. We've been "instructed sufficiently that [we] know good from evil" (2 Nephi 2:5), and I think we would all agree that a significant portion of our poor choices each day are things we know perfectly well are wrong. But we do them anyway.

In the past we looked our parents in the eye, assuming they would never be able to see through us, and with an air of defiance did things we knew were wrong. Now we do the same to spouses, children, doctors, bosses, professors, police officers, store clerks, road signs, government officials, bishops, apostles, prophets, and even Deity. Our thoughts may include the following:

• "no one will notice"
  
• "really, what are they going to do?"
• "so what?"
• "the consequences can't be that bad"
  
• "I don't need people telling me what to do all the time"

My personal favorites:

• "but I'm different than everyone else"
  
• "I know what I'm doing"

We have been instructed sufficiently but "a knowledge of truth is of little value unless we apply it in making correct decisions. Consider for a moment a man, heavily overweight, approaching a bakery display. In his mind are these thoughts: The doctor told you not to eat any more of that. It’s not good for you. It just gives momentary gratification of appetite. You’ll feel uncomfortable the rest of the day after it. You’ve decided not to have any more. But then he hears himself say, 'I’ll have two of those almond twists and a couple of those chocolate doughnuts. One more time won’t hurt. I’ll do it just once more, and this will be the last time.'” (Elder Richard G. Scott, Conference Report, October 2007)

Altogether too often, and with that air of defiance, I take the donut (both literally and metaphorically, sadly).

The Love of a Parent

I've heard this from parents my whole life, but now I know how true it is. There is nothing Grant could do right now (or ever) to diminish my love for him. Even after a sleepless night, I find that the frustration and exhaustion are overwhelmingly overpowered by the love I feel for him. I believe that is because the more I serve him, the more I love him. My stake president growing up once said, "Love the verb preceeds love the noun." My coworker, Alan Casper, told me that if that principle of service and love is true, perhaps no child will ever love their parent as much as the parent loved them. But the cycle continues as each generation of parents loves their children more than their own lives, and those children then do the same with their own children. God's love for each of us is so powerful that nothing "shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39). I wonder, will I ever be able to love God as much as He loves me? King Benjamin tells us that even if we serve him with everything within us, we will never be able to break even and give Him back as much as He gives us (see Mosiah 2:21). I don't know if I can, but I will try!

I often wonder if God sees us the way we see babies. For example, Grant is constantly crawling under the piano bench and bashing his head against the bottom edge. I do all I can to keep him from it, but he finds a way. Even though he's learning that it hurts to go under there and knows that I told him no, he still does it; and I still want to kiss it better, even though I'm saying, "I told you so!" in the process. I do plenty of stupid things in life, and Heavenly Father knows this, but He still comes to my aid to help me. I'm so thankful for that!

Every day that passes I have the opportunity to become more like Heavenly Father, who is totally and completely dedicated to helping His children fulfill their eternal destinies. Everything He does is for, as we can see in 2 Nephi 26:24: "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world." As I focus on doing everything I can for the eternal benefit of my family, I am walking in His ways and preparing myself for my own eternal destiny.

I Want That

Grant always knows what he wants. I take that back--he thinks he knows what He wants. All nine months of his existence have been filled with trying to get what he thinks he wants. Sometimes it is my food, which I will gladly share with him unless it is unhealthy for him (like peanut butter) or if it is something I know he won't like and will spit back out (like bananas)--but he's always begging, even after he's spit it out. He always wants to hold the object that someone else is holding, even if the fancy noise-making, light-up toy he is holding is so much more interesting than the piece of paper I've got.

He used to be distracted easily, but lately he is determined that he will get what he wants. I've wondered, "Why don't you trust me? The things I give you are so much better than the ones you want!" Of course, he doesn't, and he probably won't trust me for twenty years.

I'm pretty bound and determined to get what I want in life, but what makes me think I know more than God? "Heavenly Father, trust me. I know myself, and I know what's good for me." That is pretty much leaning upon my own understanding in life (Prov. 3:5), and it always leads me to unhappiness. Or it leads to happiness that isn't as wonderful as it could have been. I've learned over and over that this quote is true:

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace." (President Ezra Taft Benson, Teachings of..., Bookcraft, 1988, 361)

So I'm trying to trust Heavenly Father more, and to accept His opinions and answers to my prayers. Let's face it, He really does know more than I do.

I Need Thee Every Hour

While doing dishes last week, Grant was in his high chair eating a snack and murmuring "dadadada" over and over. I'm pretty sure he knows what that means, and he always says it when he's in a good mood. Soon he was tired of sitting there, and he switched from friendly banter to high-pitched squeals. That quickly morphed into his favorite distress word, "mamamamama," which is aways accompanied by loud whining, begging, tears, screams, and banging on whatever he can get his hands on. And when he doesn't get what he wants that very second, the sounds just get louder and higher (if that is even possible!).

That is how it has been since he was three or four months old. Mama was his first word, though he had no idea what it meant, and from the very beginning it has only been used when he is starving, angry, or in pain. It doesn't bother me that it is used in conjunction with a need that needs filling because that's why I'm here.

But as I stood at the sink that day, I realized that Grant always uses dad's name (whether he understands it or not) when he's happy, yet he only uses mine when he needs something--will he ever associate me with good things, or just what I can give him? By the way, I love that he loves his daddy so much, and I highly encourage that as his first word. But in some small way could a mother ever get to the point where she feels a little used? That all she is good for is getting more, or doing more? At our house, the smiles kisses and cuddles come so easily to Dad, but not as readily to Mom.

And then I realized that I do the very same thing.

How often do I beg Heavenly Father to give me something that I need or want? I'm very sincere and feel very strongly about those things. That isn't a bad thing, ultimately. But how do I react when the answer is "no" or "not now" or "just wait a minute"? Sometimes my pleas just get stronger and louder.

But even more than that, how often do I turn to Him only when I need something? Do I give all of my attention, joy and gratitude to other people, things, or activities? Do I forget to include him in all the good, as well as the bad? Too often I beg, get my answer, and then move on with life. Here's a scary thought: do I ever, in effect, use Him to make sure my life goes according to my plan?

D&C 101:8-9--In the day of their peace they esteemed lightly my counsel; but, in the day of their trouble, of necessity they feel after me. Verily I say unto you, notwithstanding their sins, my bowels are filled with compassion towards them.

I'm thankful to know that even when I fail at this, He still loves me. But for my sake I need to make Him a part of my life and prayers as much during the good as I do during the bad. I need Thee every hour.

Immunizations and the Infinite Atonement

In March (at three months old), Grant got a set of immunizations. I've done my share of studying up on these, and I feel strongly that I want my children to be immunized. So I put my arms around him and held him tight so his wiggling wouldn't worsen the pain and lengthen the procedure, and I did all I could to distract him. As soon as the needle went into his chubby little thigh, he looked up at me with big, horror-struck eyes as if to say, "Mom, why would you let them do this to me?!" and then the tears and sobs began. The doctor warned me that Grant might be cranky or sore and might have a fever over the next 24 hours, but I was prepared after last time. I gave him his Tylenol dose before the appointment so it could kick in immediately.

He cried on and off all the way home, and when he wouldn't sleep alone in his crib I decided to lay next to him in my bed. His tear-streaked face was red and his eyes were a little puffy, but once I was next to him he drifted off to sleep. It didn't end there, though, because although he was asleep his face would contort in pain and he would moan the tiniest, most pathetic wimpers I'd ever heard. This went on every fifteen minutes or so for several hours, causing me to just lay there with my arms around him, my sleepless vigil marked by aching pain every time I heard a wimper or saw his little brow furrow. Why was it hurting me so much? Why were tears running down my cheeks? It was the first time I really understood the parents I've heard tell of how they feel the pain of their children.

I had many poignant thoughts during those hours, including the following: I knew that it needed to be done to protect Grant from greater pain and danger that might arise without the immunizations, so no matter how hard it was for him and me right then, I wouldn't change it. If I could take the pain onto myself, however, and still have him receive the benefits, I would have done so in a heartbeat. But since I couldn't remove it and wouldn't change it, all I could do was to promise that I would lay next to him, wipe his tears, and hold him until he was through it. And after a few hours, he woke up to eat and then fell asleep contented and feeling good. The whole painful ordeal only lasted three hours, and I could relax knowing that he would be less susceptible to the illnesses and diseases he might encounter.

During those hours I thought a great deal about Heavenly Father and learned some powerful lessons. I know God has the power and capability to stop things from happening and to change the course of events in our lives, and I feel that sometimes He intervenes and does just that. But I also know that He knows that keeping us from all pain or sorrow is ultimately not what is best for us because our aim is to become like Him. These things help us grow, they give us compassion for others, and they can help protect us from greater sorrows we would otherwise have received in the future.

But He has not left us alone. He will not remove all of the hard things from our lives, but He will not leave us alone, either. "You have to go through this, but I will be right here with you, to comfort you, to wipe your tears, and to hold you until you get through it."

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18)

Then I thought about how no one has ever been able to take away someone else's experiences or trials. But there is One, and only one, who was able to take away much of the pain, and who made it possible to completely remove sin. Jesus Christ can take it away because He experienced and suffered for everything we have and will feel, including our temptations, sorrows, sins, pains, sicknesses, even death, "that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.(see Alma 7)" One meaning of the word succor is "to run to." He will run to us in our moments of distress, and the power of His infinite and atoning sacrifice can remove all sin and can ease the pain of all other afflictions. He has done for all of us what so many of us wish we could do for our loved ones: He truly has taken our burdens upon Himself. Some of it is free, by virtue of us coming to this earth (e.g. resurrection), but most of it comes as the result of righteousness, sincere prayer, and repentance.

Heavenly Father has given us every opportunity we need to become like Him and have the joy He experiences. This means we will all go through our immunizing experiences. But we are not alone. President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) once remarked:

“Don’t be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, ‘And, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.’ (Matt. 4:11.) Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials.”
(in Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, 114; qtd. in Ensign [Feb. 2003], by Elder Ray H. Wood of the Seventy, "Our Thorns in the Flesh")

Object and Godly Permanence

It has been interesting to watch the process of recognition a baby goes through. In utero, Grant was totally dependent upon me. As a newborn, he faintly recognized sounds and scents which helped him to continue to trust and rely on Jake and me. As he got a little older and started to recognize us physically, he began to rely completely on that sense. If he could see me, he knew I was there and would take care of him and fill his current need. If he couldn't see me, it was almost as if I never existed. He couldn't comprehend that there was someone who always picked him up or fed him when he cried, so he couldn't trust that this person would continue to do so. This lasted for months, until the magical day when he was around six months old and began to understand the concept of object permanence--that objects still exist even when they are out of sight.

I noticed that in the middle of the night when he was crying, I could stand next to his crib and pat his back to calm him, even when he couldn't see me (he has a habit of squeezing his eyes shut tight when he cries at night). The next signs I recognized were his ability to trust my voice to calm him until he could see my face, knowing that if he could hear me that he would soon be able to see me. He's heard my voice chattering pretty much non-stop since his earbuds began capturing sound, and over time he associated my voice with the help that was soon to follow. Even when there are other noises and distractions he can zero in on the voice he knows so well.

Within a few weeks, Grant was starting to enjoy playing peek-a-boo, which is another milestone in the object permanence process. I could see his mind working and growing as he learned that when I put a blanket over his toy, that he could remove the blanket and find his toy still there. This time he had no physical sense to prove that the toy was still there, but he had experience on his side now. Every time we played the game, it turned out the same. He could still see the object in his mind, even though he couldn't see it with his eyes, and that allowed him to understand that he could still access his toy quickly.

I've been fascinated with this concept since Grant was born, because I think it is the same process we all go through in life. Before we came to this earth, we lived with our Father and were totally dependent upon Him. We knew what He looked like and how His voice sounded. After our physical birth, I believe Heavenly Father stays very near to us. Our childlike faith carried us on. But as life progresses, our faith is challenged. We want more than our faith, we want proof that God is real. We want to see Him, or at least an undeniable sign observed with our physical senses that He is there. Over time, we can learn that He can exist even if we can't see Him, and through the Holy Ghost we can hear His voice in our hearts and minds. Even when (especially when) there are other noises and distractions in life, we can train ourselves to recognize and find solace in the voice of the Spirit. It takes practice, but I testify that the recognition will come.

But even if that were to be silenced or questioned, hopefully we can each rely on our past experiences to fortify our faith in God (He's always been there for me before, He's always taken care of my needs. Why not now?). I don't have to rely on my physical senses to know that God is real. I can still see Him in my mind, and that allows me to understand that I can still access Him quickly through prayer.

Job 37: 2 --Hear attentively the noise of his voice, and the sound that goeth out of his mouth.

How can my child help lead me to exaltation?

I spent hours creating this site for our ward relief society and was later informed that our leaders would rather we only use the Church website, and I couldn't just let all my hard work go to waste! I've been looking for an effective way to record my motherhood/gospel comparisons and decided this might keep me more up-to-date; I have notes scribbled all over in my life and will be happy to have them all centrally located. I'll try to backtrack, but I don't know if I'll be able to find all the scribbles... Please feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts as comments as we start this journey!